I stared into space late one evening in early July. I
could not sleep, the pain in my shoulder was like pain I never felt, it was
like an abscess toothache, nothing would take the pain away. I had injured it
hitting a backhand volley, a shot I've hit a million times while playing points
with one of my students.
A knife went through my shoulder, I screamed and
grasped my shoulder. My student alarmed rushed over, "Are you okay?”
"No, no," I said. "I am badly
hurt."
My student ran to get ice, almost instinctively. It
gave me time to assess what just happened, the pain was excruciating I knew I
had done something really bad.
The ice pack was applied, I just stared numbly into
space, I told my student I wouldn’t be getting on court..."how bad he
asked?"
I said, “this one is really bad."
For days afterwards I couldn't lift my arm; and when
I moved it in a way that caused pain, it was unbearable. The nights were
especially bad as i tossed and turned and wrenched my shoulder. I finally went
to Dr. Shah, an orthopedist who scheduled me for an MRI and said,
"You probably tore your rotator cuff."
All the baseball and tennis players who tore their
rotators raced through my head, I asked him" what is the prognosis?"
"Most likely surgery, rehab, and 6-9 months
before you are hitting the ball again."
My heart literally sank to the depths of the biggest
and darkest abyss. 9 months at my age is like a small lifetime? I was so
heartbroken, but I knew the pain I felt wasn't indicative of a minor injury. I
have played through a broken hand, fractured foot, nerve damage, a severely
strained IT band, so many strains and pulls, I am old school , I'd tell my son,
even the torn abductor -- but this was different.
I couldn't even pick up a racket. For that matter I
couldn't even pick up a peanut and lift it over my head.
I started taking Mobic to relieve the inflammation
and swelling. 6 weeks on Mobic and then I requested another prescription. The
medication allowed me to straighten my arm, do a bit of light cooking and
cleaning, work on my computer. To be honest, the pain and the sleepless nights
said to me, why you would ever want to play this game again.
I am facing shoulder surgery, I have been putting it
off hoping by some miracle that I will heal without surgery. Acupuncture,
anti-inflammatory this or that, but in the end without these things the pain
nemesis returns.
I've told those who asked about my condition that I
will not be returning soon. Parents seeking coaching called, I put them off
without going into details. I started dodging the messages. The other night I
did the unthinkable, I started to imagine life without squash. It was scary at
first, but then I thought about it, I was a bit giddy I thought about the freedom,
I thought about not having to worry about all the sacrifices squash entails,
the early mornings, the soreness, working through injuries, always trying to
find matches, coaching, scheduling, the anxiety of maybe you just won't get
better, the anxiety of getting old in this game.
I felt so sad and I was really upset with myself for
such thoughts, I had come through so much adversity in life, so much adversity
in this game. I closed my eyes and I remembered the first time I ever hit a
ball, I remember my friend Supriya Mehta telling me when I first hit a squash
ball (it was a hardball on the old MIT courts), to remember it as you remember
your first time with a girl. I tin'd the ball but something about the racket,
the ball, and the simplicity of trying to place a simple object in a certain spot,
which just seemed to me the purpose of life. I can honestly say that there were
so many times when life just got me down, that I just went out to a court to
hit the ball over and over, I felt the ball through my whole body, I heard the
sound of the ball through waves of sadness that was like the sun peeking
through the darkest clouds; many times alone on court hitting that ball I
seemed to make sense of why there was both light and darkness in me.
Now at this juncture, I want so much to hit a ball
again, to flick a cross court backhand volley nick, I want to get on court with
my son, whom I haven't hit within 5 months, just hit around, to make the
indelible connection with him that we always made through squash over the last
20 years, I want to be able to simply tell people I play squash and not spend
15 minutes describing my injury and the doctor's prognosis and why I can't
play.
If I cannot play this game, life will go on, but with
a different step. I have a beautiful little daughter who has had my undivided
attention throughout these past few months, but I want to give her this game
the way I gave it to my son, a gift, from father to his children, a gift that
is wrapped in gold, a gift that is presented with so much love, I want my new
born daughter to someday stand on the court and hit that same backhand volley
cross court nick and feel the utter delight of that shot.
I will do this for them, get the surgery and take the
long road back to this game, to this place where I have been before, which is
where I've been most happiest in my life; there are no guarantees the surgeon
says, the nature of the injury is such you may not play again. But at least
I'll know and if that's the case, I may just end up having
